Sunday, June 25, 2017

Strings Attached

Over the past few weeks, I've been crook; so much so I missed one art class, but I was back at it again last week.

And over the past week, Eckersleys has had an art sale like you wouldn't believe! I've been eying off a gorgeous easel over the past 6 months. As usual, if I really like something, I don't say much about it, just admire it quietly and wait for the price to drop. Well, I've been admiring this one Jasart Bamboo Easel for around 6 months and waiting very patiently for the price to drop - and at the same time I'm coming into some money... so I thought to get a bit of money and buy it.
However, when it came time to pull those two things together, it didn't quite work out the way I thought it would. The money is in my Dad's account, and he said no to me using some of it to buy this lovely easel at 55% off! I mean, it was at the cheapest it's ever going to be!

Anyway, we went to Eckersleys and he looked around at the place and he ended up paying for it. But I still want to pay for it out of my own money; not work it off. This makes me feel like a slave, not like his daughter. I don't know why this has happened, but I don't like being in somebody's debt for things. And when the time comes, I'll be getting the money out to pay for it in full. 

As much as I love scoring new things like this - or second-hand - I really don't like it when people do this to me. I hate being in people's debt. Right now, I feel as though the easel isn't mine... not really. It's on loan from my Dad because he bought it for me and he wants me to do things around his place for him to pay it off. That's adding strings to something, not treating me like family, or acting as though he doesn't trust me. 

It's a little wonder I often feel as though I'm not part of the family; and I feel as though I'm not trusted with anything and I'm left out of a lot of things as well.  It's also a little wonder I have trust issues with people - outside and family as well as within it - when my own Dad acts as though I can't be trusted and has to do this kind of thing to get me to do things for him. All he has to do is ask me to help him out, not blackmail or bribe me. Doing that just keeps me from getting to know him as anyone else but a my Dad. 

And when this happens, the family dynamics disappears very quickly. He loses my respect quickly too. 

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Been Depressed, Been Working On It

A few weeks ago, I was really depressed... and I mean, I just couldn't get myself out of it. But I've been slowly working at getting myself out of that and back into my happy space.

It's not easy, but I'm getting there.

I'm back into reading again; and that's a start. I'm also painting again too. I'm into the last fine bits of my painting for a raffle at Murarrie State School; and I'm looking forward to it too.

It's Winter and I'm hoping to get my butt into my garden again  as well with the pots I scored from the Logan City Council and some potting mix. And recently, I scored some cuttings of white Frangipanis which are going to look just lovely in a few years' time, once they get going in their own pots!

I'm still decluttering the house - the most recent item I've cleaned out is the entertainment unit. I've found so many VCR tapes and we have to look into getting them digitised as we can't view them on digital televisions as they're analogue tapes.
And I'm still tightening up the house so much. I still want to add a few more wall-hangings - but I just can't find them at charity stores. So, it looks like I'll have to find pictures of what I want a painting of and duplicate it on my own, find a suitable frame and hang it myself. 

Really, I'm hanging to move out of this place still. I do need a real house - not another townhouse as the body corporate fees are just too expensive - to live in. The extra space would be good for me and so would the extra yard for me to use for a garden... seeing I've started expanding my garden into a forest of its own now. 

Yep, I'm still fighting the Black Dog on a daily basis, and I'm winning. In the last week, I came down with Laryngitis and I'm getting over it quickly with antibiotics which make me feel like throwing up and falling over at the same time. Either way, I'm sleeping at night and my voice is returning quickly - unlike last Thursday and Friday when it wasn't with me at all. Well, I'm hoping to get myself to my art class tomorrow... I have missed it dearly. Until my next post, take care, stay safe and remember, I'm always here.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Been A While

I'm sorry. It's been a while, and I haven't written anything here. It's not because I haven't got anything to write - or say - I do.

It's because I'm not happy in myself and I don't really want to burden you all with it.

I hate depression. It really does get me down and I wish it would go away; and normally it does. However, this time it's sticking around longer than it usually does. And I know why. 

I'm not happy with where I'm living. I've lived in the same place for almost 15 years and I really don't the space to do what I want to do around the townhouse. Every time I want to do any sewing, I have to move things off the kitchen table, open it up, pull down my sewing machine and do my sewing all in one day. Then after I'm finished, I have to put it all away so I can eat dinner at the same table. 

If I want to paint, I have to do the same thing at the work bench. There's only so much room I have around me before I have to pull out another table, move the chair - and I can't get around the extra table to get to the toilet or outside. Then, when it's time to finish up, I have to pack every last thing away so I don't trip over it later that night.

There's simply no room for me to just leave my gear where it is and go into another room and let it all alone for a day or two. 

Another room... now that's what I need... a 3rd bedroom so I can have a craft room where I can have all my things out and ready to use; where I don't have to put them away all the time, where I can just sit and sew or paint and draw or read art books and magazines. However, to have that 3rd room, I have to move out of the complex.

Herein lays the dilemma. I can't get out of here without a bank loan - which I'm unable to get from any bank; believe me I've tried. Nobody will lend me the money to buy a house off my own bat because I don't have collateral (which I'm still fuzzy on what that is exactly). I don't have any debt, no credit card, and paid off my last car in record time; so why I can't get a loan is beyond me if my credit rating is perfect and I'm unlikely to lose my pension anytime soon. And speaking of which, I'm unable to get a deposit together because the pension doesn't really allow you to save anything up - unlike the normal pay packet - it only just covers what you need to live; and that's it. So, how am I supposed to get a place of my own without relying on renting off somebody else? 

This means I'm stuck here until further notice... I hate this but it's true. I want to move, but can't - not won't - and am hating my position in life right now. 

So, this is why I haven't written for a while. This is heavy shit that's been on my mind for a long time; and is bubbling to the surface. My brother has been talking to me about it and knows I want to move as well. So he's more than glad to help me out with this too. I'm so happy he's on my side... but this will take time. Until my next post, take care, stay safe and remember, I'm always here.