Sunday, October 12, 2014

Aunty Parade Forever!

I have no children.  I'm not married.  I never wanted children and I never wanted to get married.  But this doesn't mean I don't like children; it just means I wasn't cut out to be a Mum.

When I was in high school, I had other ideas of where my life was going to go, and it wasn't looking after a family of rugrats and a husband.  It was becoming a writer, an artist and traveling the world on my own.  If somebody came into my life?  Well, that'd be great, but I didn't want children to complicate it.  I didn't want to marry that person... I wanted my life to be easy, simple and, well... when you've grown up with a medical condition as complex as mine, you don't want to complicate it with anything like a marriage, mortgage and a family - especially if you're only going to make things expensively difficult for that future family of yours (if I decided to take that road - which I didn't).

So, I stayed single - most of the time - and didn't get into anything too heavy.  Yes, I moved in with a boyfriend and a flatmate... then almost as soon as I got comfortable, we went our separate ways.  And about two years or so later, my boyfriend and I broke up.  I rebounded onto another and he turned out to be a Jekyl & Hyde abusive prick who thought loving somebody was taking a woman who was confident, self-assured and happy, meant he could talk down to her, beat her and rape her.  Yeah, I got a very rude wake-up call about men like that.

After nine very long months, and a miscarriage, I broke up with him... I never trusted anyone again.  It's been fifteen years and I still can't sleep with anyone, allow anyone close enough for a relationship and don't want any man close enough to me to know exactly who I am deep down.  

But I'm an Aunty.  My brother has a lovely daughter who is wonderful.  When she was young, she looked up to me.  She asked me lots of questions about why I wasn't with anyone, and I fibbed to her saying God told me care for her... now she's older, she knows the truth.  She knows my last boyfriend (if you'd call him that) wasn't nice to me.  I tell her the warning signs of abusive boys/guys and advise her to fight back if she's ever bullied... no matter what happens.  I know you'll all say what I've told her is wrong, but really, when I was younger, at school, I was the shortest kid.  I was the pale, tiny, redhead with a rotten temper and I didn't know my maths, I got bullied all the time... so when I hit high school, I kept to myself.  I still got bullied.  So, I fought back... something nobody expected.
I'm in my 40's now, and people still think they can walk on me... no matter how old they are, who they are, where they're from... they think they can push me around.  It's not until I snap back that they realise I'm not one to fool with.  So, I tell my niece to stand up for herself - because if she doesn't people will take advantage of her gentle spirit.

But I'm not a Mum... never will be.  

Sometimes I wonder if the decision I've made is a good one... but when my neuroscientist told me that my medical condition was genetic and it was good I decided against children when I was in high school, she asked if it was because I thought it was genetic or because I just wasn't into children.

It was a little of both to be truthful - but I didn't tell anyone - well, on kid, but I knew he wouldn't tell anyone.  I remember saying I was going to get sick again soon; and so I had to live more and children would get in the way, or I'd end up not being able to have them; so why go through the heartache of trying and not being able to?  Or something like that.

He kind of understood - kind of.  But at my 20 year high school reunion, there were people there who had no clue I had been sick when I was young (and these were kids I went to primary school with), and they were amazed I was still around.  Me?  I'm amazing I'm still around after all the crap I've been through.

But I love my niece.  I buy her things for her art, read her writing, enjoy her jokes and company... she's just like her Dad in every way.  And when I'm looking for a present for her, I make sure it's a good one... something nice, stylish and something she needs and has that off-beat kinda style that is simply her.  I get her stuff from art stores her Dad doesn't have time to buy her; and her Mum either.  So, I'm the one who buys my niece the cool portable things that she can fold up and take places, pencils that are on sale.  I buy her small sketch books for her to take traveling with her... yep, I'm definitely a good Aunty in that way.  And then, she'll tell me cool secrets and ask me questions she feels she can't ask anyone; and knows I won't tell anyone... sure I'll write them down, but in my own private journal.  And who's going to see that?  And I'd never repeat those questions here.

Even though I don't have children, and never will be a Mum, I think it's great to be on the Aunty Parade and enjoy watching my niece grow up.  She's not all that big on me not having children, but she gets it... you know?  Well, until my next post, take care, stay safe and remember, I'm always here. 

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